Triple Filtered for Quality and Taste

Hi guys.

I told a friend of mine today about my new job.

"Oh God, how boring..." she said.

HOW FUCKING BORING ??

Jesus Shitting Biscuits, why are some people so unbelievably rude for no reason whatsoever ?

I was pretty happy about the whole thing, and in four little words I've been knocked off of my cloud quicker that Keith Richards falling on his pickled, wrinkly old arse out of a coconut tree.

Btw, why are The Rolling Stones still alive ? Are they still alive, or have they become alcohol-embalmed zombies, still walking this earth, craving the ever elusive Satisfaction ? If they are still alive, fair play to them. Fuck olive oil, vitamins and bottled water...there's a lot to be said for shitloads of booze, smack, cocaine and the odd Mars Bar with a slight whiff of vagina thrown in for good measure.

So there I was, sitting in the sand, rubbing my head, wondering if she could right...had I just signed myself up for the most boring summer on record ?

I felt a wave of nausea crawling up the beach of my paradise island, reducing my palatial sandcastle to a soggy mound and washing over me in a cold, salty wipeout of shit and seaweed.

The thing is, I hesitated before telling her. I've known for two weeks, but I kept my mouth shut. I *knew* it. I could feel it in my balls that my "big" news would be met with apathy / borderline disapproval. I wanted to keep it to myself, to prolong the period of thinking that it could somehow be an impressive revelation that would raise my own rapidly diminishing stock.

Self-doubt soon dissipated, and was replaced with overbearing cocky-shitiness. I proceeded to rhyme off that I would be fucking filthy rich shortly, what with this coming at the same time as news of other potential projects. Suddenly money is being thrown at me, right, left and centre.

In truth, I don't care about money in the slightest. I just thought I was entitled to play my Cunt card, in retaliation for having my little parade defecated upon so gloriously.

I believe I am a double blank in a global domino effect...or a little something I like to call The Infinitely Trickling Down Human Anilingal Shit-Filter of Ambition and Desire (catchy title, I know. I wrote a 5000 word thesis on this very topic; I just typed up the title and my own name, and it was already coming dangerously close to the word limit).

What the The Infinitely Trickling Down Human Anilingal Shit-Filter of Ambition and Desire (tm) involves is people like me, looking up to A. N. Other, desperately trying to kiss their holy, high and mighty arse as they continually shit shit shit their foul faecal matter into my waiting mouth.

The trick here is that I, blinded by the excess shitty-brown spray from the dirty arse I am so desperate to kiss, can't see that there is someone "below" me too, trying to be nice to me, pursing their lips and puckering up, but ultimately receiving a face full of crap from my own rotten bowels.

The person "above" me is also gloriously unaware of my advances, as they concentrate on planting their lips on the dangling gluteus maximus hanging tantalisingly before them.

I'm sorry, that wasn't meant to come across as some kind of scat-wank fantasy.

I thought it was the best way to describe the behavioural patterns I have noticed in both myself and others around me from time to time.

Admittedly, the only nuggets I munch are chicken ones. I am unaware of any turd-based materials being used in the ingredients of these chicken nuggets, but you never can tell.

Suffice to say, I would never willingly physically devour poo of my own free will. I don't know about any of you guys, but if you do...fair play to you. You must brush your teeth really well because I've never picked up on it.

Basically, if we cut the shit so to speak, I'm just saying that I've been guilty of sucking up to people who are in turn largely unmoved, and are instead focused on sucking up to someone else who is in turn not particularly moved by their advances either. Always there is someone who is trying to be nice to you but it's not always noticed.

Maybe now it's time for everyone in the chain to turn one hundred and eighty degrees and get ready for a brand new flavour.

My job ? Boring ?

You can kiss. My. Ass.

NJ "Talking Shit" McLean xxx

PS. This is nothing to do with you folks who spend time reading my journals and pulling me up when I am being a bellend. I want to clear up any ambiguity at source, this time. ;)

PPS. Keith Richards is making a speedy recovery in hospital. Cunt.